Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
