if only i could text you this smell
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
