I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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