My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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