it wasn't lemon gatorade
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
