How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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