One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I didn't notice because vodka
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
