i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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