No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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