Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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