It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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