Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
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