Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
