the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
