haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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