You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
