I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
