last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
