went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
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