How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
