i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
