I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
