pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
