does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
