so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
