Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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