Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
