Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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