Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
