Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
