Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
