So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
