i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
