It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
