Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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