i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Randomize
