The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Houston, we have a blender
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
