tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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