I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
She tied me up with her honor cords...
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Randomize
