and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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