I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
