The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
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