I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Sext me about skeletons
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
