I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
