Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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