my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
