At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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