please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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