He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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