So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
