I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
