if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
